What REALLY Happened

Today, I watched one of Cris's interviews about his crying habits, and I eventually interviewed him myself and uncovered the whole story. Thanks to Rita Skeeter's Quick-Quotes-Quill, I was able to get all of the information in detail.

Yesterday morning, as Cris woke up and tumbled out of bed, he felt like something was missing. Something deep down that he couldn't quite put his finger on (ew, I know). It was the fact that he hadn't seen the Love the Way You Lie music video yet! He didn't even change out of his sparkly red underwear to watch it, because he usually wears those when he watches Eminem and Rihanna anyway. So he rushed to the computer, typed in Love the Way You Lie into youtube, was obnoxiously taken to Vevo as everyone always is, and glued his eyes to the computer for another four minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

Apparently he was touched by the filmmaker's expertise in catching Megan Fox's "Fuck!" yelled on screen during one of her angsty fights with random Eminem wannabe. Or maybe he was touched by the random scenes of Eminem singing in a field with a lot of sunlight. Or maybe he was touched when everyone discovered Rihanna wasn't wearing pants in the video. Or when a fight randomly turned into making out with Megan Fox. Or maybe when Eminem set the house on fire and it turned out to be Rihanna's house, even though she kept singing in front of it. Or maybe he liked when Eminem was on fire in that random field with a lot of sunlight. Or maybe he likes how Eminem was creeping in the back of Rihanna's big solo at the end. Or maybe he liked how much of a third wheel Rihanna was when Megan and Wannabe made out in front of her burning house. Or maybe he likes that he has Cindy's number now (the one on Wannabe's hand in the beginning of the video). But they're not actually fighting about that. Eminem wannabe actually won monopoly against Megan Fox, so she had sex with him. Naturally. Everyone does that apparently.

So after all of this, Cris told me and the rest of the world that it was the filmmaker's expertise that made him cry. That's gay.

But in case you haven't noticed, you can't spell cries without Cris.

Eminem is the third wheel this time. Cris was actually right next to Eminem, but he was crying so I edited him out.

~Not-Crybaby

Pictures of Boy Crying from Love the Way You Lie Video

I finally was able to upload this snapshot from last night when we watched the Love the Way You Lie video. Cris's hair looks a little blonde, but I'm sure this is him.

~Not-Crybaby

Boy Cries at Love the Way You Lie Music Video

Today, Cris told me, very seriously, that he cried at how good the new music video for Love the Way You Lie was. I joked about writing it all over this blog but I really wasn't kidding. First, I joked about how he cried, ALONE, at his own computer. And then the song came on on our friend's CD. My ribcage hurt. A lot. Just from laughing.

He later claimed "I was just looking at it from a filmmaker's perspective. It was done so well that I just....cried!"

We're still making fun of you, Cris.

"Don't cry Cris. You're better than this," says Eminem.

~Not-Crybaby

One More Thing About iCarly

I was watching it today, and in this episode, Spencer ended up dressing like an old woman to trick Neville into signing some document or something or other. Since Spencer is dressed as an old woman, some old guy tries to pick him up. It was really creepy. And he was persistent. Eventually, Spencer took off the wig at the old man, and the old guy runs away screaming "security!"

...? What the hell!?
As a member of the LGBT community, I was incredibly offended. And if I wasn't already hurt enough, the guy comes back with securtiy, screams "That's him! That's the man-lady!" And then they actually chase him! I can't believe they actually did that. On Nickelodeon. I'm never watching iCarly again. It's complete smut.


Don't worry, I'm not actually offended. But I was surprised it happened. But yeah, not offended haha In fact, I'm still watching iCarly right now.

~Not-Matt

Best Day Ever

So my friend Bridget and I frequently use the term "best day ever" for any fun thing that happens in a day. We could get an A on a test and say "best day ever!" So obviously it's lost its meaning. Like if you date someone who says "I love you" every hour, it really loses its effect, so of course you break up with them. But anyway, Bridget and I did have the best day ever the other day, and to make sure it actually has meaning, I'm going to tell you all about it (like...I'm going to tell you everything about it, not I'm going to tell y'all about it because I really don't care about you. Just kidding I love you. All of you. Every hour. Break up with me. What? Can I just tell you now?).

1) Bridget and I are going to summer school health right now so we don't have to take it during school (we're really cool; have I mentioned that?) and we had a relationship/sex talk. This was the start to our best day ever. During the talk, the speaker said "usually teens are in very physical relationships, and they lack the mental and emotional aspect of dating. Good relationships mean that you can talk about the cosmos and space and not get bored of each other." Thus, Bridget and I discovered that we're actually in love because a couple of weeks ago, we watched "Through the Wormhole" with Morgan Freeman, and then discussed black holes for a really long time. With her dad. Extra non-physicality points there. I'm getting bored of writing this without eating food so I'm going to go get a Yo-crunch.

2) It's vanilla with m&ms.

3) Bridget and I decided that we were craving Chipotle like Mexico rejoice, so she took me to my house first to get money. However, our AP exam scores came in. So after discovering that I not only got a 4 on US History and 5s on Calculus and English, but also a 3 on my Spanish exam, we decided to go to Bridget's house to get her scores, too. She also got a 4 on US History and 5s on Calc, English, and Studio Art. So, we were really proud of ourselves, and this is when we exclaimed "best day ever!" Little did we know, this was the best day ever, and we were to have more fun later.

4) So we went to Chipotle and discovered that Chipotle now has Calories on their menus! They didn't glue actual Calories to the menu because that's physically illegal, you know, 'cause they're energy; they wrote how many Calories each food had. Our burrito bowls were only around 700 Calories, and as bad as that sounds, Bridget and I tend to gravitate towards meals that rank in the big calories, Michael Phelps style. So, it was again the best day ever. Also, we found Cris's doppelganger.

5) After eating Chipotle, we made the spontaneous decision to go to the mall, where we secretly knew we were going to get cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. However, other great things occurred in the mall. First, we ended up discovering a new store in the mall that was like Forever 21. And as excited as I was about it, you know, because I have every piece of clothing from Forever 21 and I heart it with a pa$$sion, Bridget was even more excited. And then we were approached by kids from California (unfortunately not Katy Perry) and were asked where we got our Vans. We weren't even wearing vans though, so apparently Bridget and I looked like the Vans variety. Too hipster.

6) This portion of our day needs a number all to itself. We went to the Cheesecake Factory. First, we discovered that July 30th is National Cheesecake Day, so we can get cheesecake for half price. I put the event in my phone immediately and texted my friends. Then, we got their Oreo Cheesecake; good decision made by us. 10 points to Gryffindor. We immediately bolted to the food court to eat it (we contemplated eating on a bench because we really wanted that cheesecake ASAP). It was delicious, and it was more suited for our Michael Phelps diets.

7) Also, as we were entering the mall, we were listening to Lady GaGa, which is automatically the pseudo-best day ever. But when we got back in the car, Bad Romance immediately came on, and so did we. And later, we put on the radio, and Love the Way You Lie came on, we did again, and then Bulletproof came on, and I couldn't handle it, so I jumped out of the car, got ran over, then came back to life, and it was again the best day ever. Just kidding that didn't happen. I know I had you fooled.

8) I also took a four-hour nap when I got home.

So Bridget and I discovered that we loved each other, did exceptionally well on our AP exams, found a new Forever 21-like store, went to Chipotle, found Cris's doppelganger, got Cheesecake, listened to La Roux, Eminem ft. Rihanna, and Lady GaGa, looked like the Vans variety, and got 10 points for Gryffindor all in the same day. Therefore, next time we say "best day ever," we will forever remember this day, which really was the best day ever.

This was apparently our other best day ever. The shirt I'm wearing in this picture was actually the one I was wearing in the mall. I can see why I looked like the Vans variety.

~Not-Cris

Yes, This is Anti-iCarly Propaganda

I'm gonna start this by saying I just posted a facebook status about this the other day. Yeah. That means this is legit.

I was watching iCarly today, and I heard laughter. But I realized that was not a live studio audience. Sometime in the 90s, they stopped having live studio audiences for sitcoms, so the producers recorded the studio laughter to reproduce it when their work is displayed on your television screen without using a real audience.

Like how weird is that. You don't know who those people are! They could be anybody! One person even pointed out on my status (I know I'm really cool for making a thousand facebook references per minute) that most of those people are probably dead. YOU'RE LISTENING TO DEAD PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN YOU WATCH ICARLY! Well, probably. You don't know for sure. But it's always a possibility. Which is creepy enough for me.

But really, who are they? You could be listening to like your long-lost cousin or something. Or a serial rapist. Or someone famous. Or maybe even the ghost that's haunting your attic.

It's also really conceited of them to add it in. It's like laughing at your own joke when nobody else laughs. 'Cause when I watch tv alone, I'm normally not cracking up like that recorded studio audience is. They laugh at EVERYTHING. Like "I'm gonna go to the grocery store. We need food, but I don't know if we have enough money to buy everything we want." And that recorded studio audience FLIPS out, and I just sit there and try to figure out what I missed 'cause that wasn't funny.

In conclusion, don't make sitcoms. It'll make you look like a creep and a freakin' jerk.

~Not-Matt

Hey, I Got a Question

Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?

No matter how much you deny it, indie hipster kids with polaroid cameras and fake plastic glasses, you have all listened to mainstream pop and R&B music. And almost all of you like it; I don't care what you say. I severely doubt that anyone can resist the bassy feel of "OMG" by Usher or the catchy themes in Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance". You all secretly sing along to yourself when you hear these songs, and I could find them all in your youtube search history. Don't lie like Shakira's hips (get it? ha laugh thanks). It's a guilty pleasure; I make fun of rap music, but "Airplanes" by B.O.B just gets me every time. Here are some songs that are the bassis of guilty pleasure from even those hipster jorts-wearing pot-smoking indie kids (see what I did there? I turned basis into bassis because it's like bass in a song. Bass is the opposite of treble, and its widespread use in rap and R&B make them so catchy and so that's why I made that joke ha get it laugh thanks)

1) "OMG" - Usher ft. Will.I.Am - This song is just too much for me. Seriously, every time I hear it I just sing along even if I forget it. Even if I'm jammin' out to some Ben Folds or Regina Spektor, I can't help but sing to this song. One time, my friend Rachel and I got in the car, and I said "turn on the radio. I just wanna listen to OMG." Now apparently OMG and I have a special connection because as soon as she turned the radio on, the song had started. It wasn't in the middle with the crowd singing the "oh"s, and it was not at the end where I get really sad 'cause the song is about to end. It was at the beginning. So, I sang it. All of it. It was a fun time.

2) "Airplanes" - B.O.B - This song basically wins the facebook status award (you know, the one they give out at the...Grammy's...all the time). Hands down. I do not know how many times I saw "could we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?" on people's statuses, or how many times I saw the curt "I could really use a wish right now" or both together. It was maddening because I hadn't even heard the song yet. I refused in my little anti-mainstream corner and kept listening to Jaymay and Death Cab. But, alas, I heard the song, and now even I can't help but sing along. It will, however, NEVER be my status. You can't make me. I might do it just to be funny ha laugh thanks.

3) "Sexy Back" - Justin Timberlake - "He's so metro" says everyone ever, but I just don't care. This song is so catchy that it just makes me go ahead and get on with it because there's VIP and drinks on him and he wants to see what I'm twerkin' with. I don't know why he wants to see what I'm twerkin' with, because I'm a guy, but I don't question it because that's just rude. This song is too good to question. I think I'm gonna listen to it while I finish this post.

4) Any Lady GaGa song ever - Okay so even as I attempt to listen to obscure bands, I really do have a Lady GaGa obsession in case you haven't noticed. She's a genius, she's catchy, and she's relevant. Always. I've always known there was a monster in my bed; she was just the only person brave enough to say it. Lady GaGa has so many hit songs that every song basically just waited in line to be the super hit popular mainstream one. Last year, it was "Just Dance" and then "Poker Face." I didn't even know who Lady GaGa was yet (because I apparently hadn't lived) but I knew the words to these songs. Then there was "Love Game" and "Paparazzi" and everybody followed Lady GaGa until she loved them. Then her next album came out and everybody was singing my favorite "Bad Romance." Then "Telephone" became ultra-popular as everyone told their friends to stop calling 'cause they didn't want to talk anymore. But something strange is happening now. "Alejandro," which was not even close to being popular before, is now a huge hit and everybody is singing that song! People have somewhat forgotten about the others because Alejandro is just so catchy. I don't know what's going on, but I like it. Lady GaGa will take over the world and you will like it.

5) "Bulletproof" - La Roux - Gosh. This song. This is not even from a mainstream artist and it's popular. Every time this song comes on the radio or my iTunes, I'm telling everyone I'll be bulletproof for days. No lie. Last week, Cris and I told everyone we saw for an entire day that we were bulletproof. It's just so catchy and electronic. I'm listening to it now, in fact, 'cause I already played "Sexy Back" twice.

6) "Your Love Is My Drug" - Ke$ha - First, let me start off by telling you something about Ke$ha that my friend Bridget read on Pandora Radio. Ke$ha was accepted to Columbia University as a Psychology major and she got an almost perfect score on the SATs (1560/1600 if I'm not mistaken). Now this means Ke$ha and I are officially twins because even though I didn't do that well on my SATs, I still want to go to Columbia University for Psychology. It's no wonder I think "Your Love Is My Drug" is so catchy. I mean, eventually Tik Tok lost its appeal, even though I occasionally wake up and think about how I feel like P-Diddy, but this song is just too much. I often go around saying to people "Hey, I got a question" just to see if I can get them to say "what?" and manage to keep a straight face long enough to ask if they want to have a slumber party in my basement.

7) "Love the Way You Lie" - Eminem ft. Rihanna - I hadn't heard this song until last Thursday. However, it is still stuck in my head. I listen to it all the time because it's just so good. I didn't really like Rihanna before, but now that I'm always singing her part we seem to have a special connection. I'm not a rude boy and I don't like umbrellas, but I do love the way people lie, and this song is just too great. If you haven't heard it yet, I suggest you do so 'cause you're missing out.

The next time you turn on the radio and hear one of these songs, I'm not sure if you should get excited or angry about the fact that you will be singing it for days to come. You'll want someone's lovin' and you'll want their revenge, and you'll also need a wish at the time.

Now please enjoy this picture of an actual plane that is not a shooting star. There are cute little pencil-kids in it too which totally beats a shooting star anyway. One of them even has three fingers. So cute. Kay? Kay? Gosh they're so pencil.

~Not-Cris

Do the "Chocolate" Thing!

Matt and I have been feeling real reminiscent lately. In fact, Matt even posted about the... uh... inventions... of the 90s. But I think we all remember the good stuff too. Mostly, Nickelodeon cartoons. Remember when those were good? Now, Nickelodeon has about... iCarly, and that's it. And iCarly isn't even a cartoon. AND there's that Gibby kid always takin' his shirt off, and it honestly makes me incredibly uncomfortable. On a side note, I played the "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader: Home Edition" with a few friends, like, last week-ish or so, and Gibby is one of the students of the class you're allowed to choose. His name is Noah. My team chose him, and we lost. I have very strong biases against him after that. So actually, Nickelodeon's got nothin'.


But they used to. They used to have real kick-ass shows like "Hey Arnold!" and "Doug" and "Rugrats" and "Ren and Stimpy" and "Spongebob" back when it was actually good! Oh, Spongebob. It's a real cornerstone of my life. It's by far the most quoted show among everyone I know. Kara and I have actually been approached by people we barely know with requests to "do the 'chocolate' thing." I think doing that scene so much has actually damaged my voice a little bit. We really like to quote Patrick though. We love Patrick. And when we remember a Patrick quote that hasn't been said in awhile, everyone dies. At the first All-County Jazz rehearsal, we actually had a conversation about Spongebob with the rehearsal director, and Matt said "Hahaha. It's a giraffe," and I lost it. I think I was the only one though.... I'm so alone...

"Doug" was a really well-put-together show. There's so much to remember about it. And if you remember your "Doug" trivia, I commend you, and you would very much enjoy this video.




I almost wish they would actually make that movie. Except they would definitely need to get a new Patti. She wasn't very Patti.

And everyone had better remember "Kablaam!" That show was so freakin' great. "Action League Now" was my favorite segment. And no, it wasn't because of the Flesh who was super strong, and super naked. Life with Loopy was pretty good too, and so was Prometheus and Bob. That alien and that caveman really touched my heart. Bob was always ruining all of Prometheus's plans. He basically saved the world.

I think more than anything though, I just wish people still woogied with me, or at least did the silly fist-thumbs-up thing that Gerald and Arnold did, and I know that it probably won't ever come back. But can't I dream?

~Not-Matt

Urgent News

This just in. We both got a text from Katie saying:

"So I was playing tennis and I was about to serve and this bird swoops down and violently throws up right in front of me. This curse affects animals too?!"

Yes, Katie. It does.

~Swan Jr. & Bjork

Wanna Buy a Yellow Umbrella?

Fundraisers all around the world help different people, organizations, and institutions to gain the money they need to succeed or even live. Things like girl scout cookies, candy bars, and carwashes are the paradigms of American fundraising. But there's something missing.... What happened to all the bad fundraising ideas? Well we're going to tell you about a few of them. Some of them have happened and some of them haven't, but are bound to eventually.

1) Umbrellas. First, no one really even uses umbrellas when it rains. Second, it doesn't even rain often enough for it to matter. Maybe I would buy one umbrella in my lifetime and that's really all. Not 150 umbrellas. In bulk. For the Class of 2011. I mean, that didn't happen or anything, but it gets kind of sad when the school librarian has bought about 20 of them and we still have 120 left. They're yellow. The only thing I use less than umbrellas are things that are yellow, so this is just all wrong. I really am curious as to whether or not we'll ever manage to sell all of our umbrellas. Let's hope it rains at prom or something.

2) When searching bad fundraising ideas on the internet, I found one about a cookie drive at a local diabetes clinic. I personally think this awkward match would work really well. And by that, I mean it wouldn't. People would die.

3) Screaming. This is where Iceland gets most of its revenue, according to Bjork. Dragons and fishing are other main sources of Iceland's revenue. I mean, we could always have a screaming dragon contest, in which the dragons fish while screaming. But really, this would be a horrible idea, and it should never be done. If you were thinking of trying it, try it, because I'd like to see you find any dragons in the first place.

4) You could always try selling myspace pictures of people. Just go up, tell them to hold the camera, take a picture of themselves, and give you the camera so you can print it. Then frame it and make them pay for it. I'm sure everybody would totally go for this, especially in people's rooms, where most myspace pictures are taken.

5) A Furby fundraiser. Just don't do it.

6) You walk into a room and you spot a copier. It really doesn't matter where this room is because you immediately forget and think "I'm going to make a butt print." So, you sit on the copier, press copy, and there is a print of your butt (or for me, your lack thereof). However, taking these prints and selling them on the streets like Johnny Bravo is really not a good idea. Especially if you're like me because you would be selling blank pieces of paper.

7) Chocolate bars. Specifically, chocolate bars in chocolate bar bags. Even more specifically, chocolate bars in chocolate bar bags carried by chocolate bar bag carrying bags. If you ever think even for a moment to pull a Spongebob and Patrick and attempt to sell chocolate bars, think again. You will most likely start selling bags to carry them, bags to carry the bags, and bags to carry the carrying bags, and so on. Then you'll be constantly unzipping your bags until you find, after thirty tries, that one chocolate bar at the bottom. As satisfying as that may feel, it's definitely not worth your time or anyone's money.

Breaking traditions is sometimes beneficial and individualistic, but not always when it comes to fundraising. Fundraising is not an individual thing, so don't sell butt prints, don't sell cookies by a diabetes clinic, and don't sell chocolate bar bag carrying bags. However, a throw-up booth featuring Katie might be a good idea. That's not breaking any tradition.

NO.

~Swan Jr. and Bjork

Depicted Was?

Artificial intelligence is often very unintelligent. Like when I ask my computer "What is 2 + 2?" it never answers. Not so intelligent after all. But I also enjoy the random word codes you have to enter to post links throughout the internet and to become members of things like kewtkittens.com and Cris's random pornographic home pages. I recently had to enter "govern cobs." No one governs cobs. Only people. People are not cobs. And therefore artificial intelligence apparently has no idea about anything ever. Like, if it knew any less, I would have one dollar.

I've decided to make my own list of things you should have to type in.

1) hate caliphate

2) tickle-me-pink trojan

3) peanut milk

4) metamorphose equestrian

5) tree tree

6) calawalapoopooouijatorque five

7) seven seven

If you see any of these things, let me know. I'll give you that dollar I will most likely earn.

I got bored of looking for what I'm talking about, so i'm hoping she will explain it to you

~Not-Cris

You know, like a boshing machine.

So, I recently got really into Monopoly. It's seriously a big problem. Actually, it's been a little more than recently. I've been into Monopoly since my ex Jon gave me this laptop. It's been really hard to stop. I haven't actually.
It's actually kind of really ridiculous. My addiction to Monopoly is too severe for me to properly function at times. If you've ever played Monopoly: Here & Now on your computer, you know that Jet Airplane always wins, unless you're Jet Airplane, then you suck ass at Monopoly. But Jet Airplane, Hybrid Car, and Running Shoe are some of the most evil competitors in the world. I want to murder Jet Airplane. He's my sworn enemy. When another player bankrupts Jet Airplane, I get so mad that I want to quit because if I won, it wouldn't even be worth it anymore. I get real into Monopoly though. Just ask Jon. I nearly killed him one time after he beat me in the Electronic Banking version. Kind of like that time I tackled Matt because he beat me at Egyptian Rat Screw. I swear I'm not that competitive, I just don't think I should ever lose.
Life is a pretty good board game too. I love how you can either go to college or just jump into the workforce. It really just shows exactly what real life is like because you can make really in-depth choices like that. Like when you hit that stop sign to get married to the peg that looks like you but pink. And I love when you don't buy hurricane insurance, but then you actually get hit by a hurricane. I swear you only get hit by a hurricane without insurance. If you buy it, at the end of the game you're just like "Why did I waste my money on this crap! I could've had 5 million dollars instead of 4.99 million!" I like that too. Everyone ends up being pretty much a millionaire.

REALLY good board game stories come from Scattergories though. Like this time a friend of mine was playing, and she's just really bad at cheating, so when the category was "household appliances," she cleverly used the common "boshing machine." Surprisingly, no one had heard of a boshing machine before. When asked about it, she clearly explained, "You know, like a boshing machine." She didn't win. Another time, Matt and I were playing Scattergories with our friend Katie Seymour. You know, the one everyone throws up on. She excitedly screamed her answer "Sweetums" at us for the category "Terms of measurement" claiming the category was actually "Terms of endearment." I had never been so grateful to be literate. Not being would make board games like that really hard.


When I typed "boshing machine" into google, it gave me this picture of kittens in a washing machine. You're welcome.

~Not-Matt

Incredible Hulk Party

I don't know what it's like to live in the in-between, but I certainly know who to ask. The 90s. I pretty much know for a fact he would know. A lot of people don't seem to really be able to define the 90s, but I've decided its label. "That time when people made things up and realized those things were really stupid." That's another phrase that means "The 90s." I only lived in the 90s for seven years, but I remember the first seven years of my life were filled with thoughts like "why is this decade I'm living in so stupid?" And even now, things from the 80s are becoming hip and retro, but the 90s haven't quite made it there. It's like when that only-child has to deal with a baby brother. Even his parents stop paying attention to him, and everyone secretly looks at the child thinking he's really annoying and stupid. Well that's the 90s.

I just don't know who thought of all these things. Heinz purple ketchup was apparently appetizing. I don't know what the problem was with red, but it apparently didn't look natural enough, so purple certainly did the trick. Now I'm not entirely sure about Heinz green ketchup. I'm pretty that was invented in 2000, but when doing research on the topic, I found this. On yahoo answers, somebody asked "does heinz still have green ketchup? having a [sic] incredible hulk party." Like really? This is why everybody realized it was stupid. The only thing you can do with it is have a hulk party. As much as everybody has those, I'm certainly not interested.

Shorts with buttons down the sides. Those are 90s. Like what the hell? Who woke up one day and decided "hmm, these mesh shorts aren't easy enough to take off, what with their elastic bands and silky material, so I'm going to make something more user-friendly"? I just don't get it. The only time those shorts are good for anything is pulling them off quickly just to be funny and to look stupid on purpose. I'm ashamed to have even worn those. I don't care if I was five and had no free will, I still should have had the sense to not wear those. Next time, 90s, make it even easier for rapists by patenting underwear with buttons down the sides. Just in case you wake up and decide your genitals aren't accessible enough.

Furbies. Enough said.

Push-pops. If this doesn't ring a bell, you might more easily recollect the hard, sticky, cylindrical-shaped piece of candy that you constantly gave a blowjob so that it could get stickier. Once you put the cap back on, it was automatically soldered shut by the candy-saliva mix. I still had the misfortune of experiencing those, and I judge myself every day.

I'm still in the process of blocking out the 90s. Sometimes I just say I was born in 2000 so no one judges me for using anything except green ketchup. I'm rather proud though. I've never had green ketchup.

Please look at this for more than 30 seconds and tell me you forgive the 90s.

~Not-Cris

Amanda Bynes, I'm OVER you... I'm such a Bad Liar.

Amanda Bynes tweeted that she is retiring from acting on Saturday, June 19th, 2010. I for one am extremely upset. If you don't believe me, here's the link: http://twitter.com/chicky
Did you look at it?! I was really sad when I heard. But I think I've done a good job getting over it.

It was really hard at first, but I had to cope, and it just seemed like every hour was another day, time moved so slowly. And it seemed like it kept getting worse and worse. I never looked at Amanda Bynes's Twitter before, but there's some really heartbreaking stuff in there. For example, she apparently prefers "chocolate" men. She just wants to break all of my hopes and dreams.

Well, Amanda Bynes, I'm over you! That's why I had a movie marathon with my friend Laura to get all of my feelings out (but instead it just reminded me how much I love you...) I guess I have to understand it's just not what she wants, and I guess neither am I. Sadface. :(

This first week that Amanda Bynes has been retired has been really rough. It's taken so much hysterical crying and skipping meals to cope, and I'm still not over it. I feel like I just lost my best friend, no, like my dog just died. No, like my best friend killed my dog and then set my house on fire and died in the flames. Or like my favorite actress just retired. And it's the worst feeling in the world.



I want to marry her. Too bad I'm not chocolate :/

She's gotten me through so much, but I guess it's time for me to let her go. It's time for the world to let her go...

...but Amanda, please call me? :/

~Not-Matt

I Don't Know. I Don't Really Buy School Lunches Anymore

Being tired is never fun. What's even less fun is when you're tired and you have to interact with people. Fatigue is my main source of stupidity, injury, and loss of money. It seems like the more tired I am, the more likely I am to think I can do anything. But no, you cannot fly, you cannot outrun a train, and you cannot pass your biology final. I have tried all of these. But I have a few better stories from when I have been tired, or from when others have been tired and unfortunately still conscious.

1) My high school's music department decided it was a good idea to take a trip to Universal Studios over winter break. Now, as fun as this was, it also included four nights in which we students were forced to sleep in each other's company. For some reason I have this irrational fear of falling asleep when others are still awake, so I had the joy of watching everything other people did. At one point, I recall hearing girls in the back of the bus singing "Shots," but instead of saying shots, they said "buttons." It was a horrible song. Another time, probably around three in the morning, I was trying to be really smooth and spy on people, so my friend Rachel, in an attempt to help me out, said rather inarticulately "Go check...if....that thing I put up there....is....still up there?" I mean, it's not like that blew my cover at all. No one thought for a minute that there was nothing I was actually checking. Rachel was way too specific and believable for them to be suspicious. Later that same night, Rachel and I spotted two kids making out. Rachel turned to me and mumbled something inaudible that sounded like "javepiwgoav" so I said "...they're like javelins?" She said jackrabbits. We also developed a fear of one chaperone who stood up behind us, so we just stared at him for about ten minutes. Probably around the same time on the trip there, while everyone was sleeping, I was very confused about why our bus had been stopped for about thirty minutes. So I decided it was a good idea to ask quietly what was going. In an obnoxious falsetto voice, I yelled things like "WHAT'S GOING ON!?" "I'M BLEEDING!" and "RITZ CRACKERS!" I still have no idea why my question wasn't answered.

2) A couple years ago, someone was basically pouring her heart out to Rachel really late at night. Throughout the long mass of drama and gossip, Rachel kept nodding in agreement. However, somewhere in that time, Rachel had stopped listening. When her friend was done with her story, Rachel effectively replied with "...I don't know. I don't really buy school lunch anymore." The girl had been talking about a boy.

3) My favorite time was when Cris woke me up in the middle of a nap with a text asking "Did you know Sarah is in Pizzazz?" Pizzazz was a show choir, but that doesn't really matter. I replied with "What the hell, Cris. Haven't you asked me this like twenty times already? Yes she is in Pizzazz." I was legitimately mad at him, one because he woke me up, and two because he had already asked me that question twenty times. I went back to sleep. Much later that day, I got a text from him saying "okay, I was just wondering...." I shifted through my messages to see what our conversation had been, and I was very confused when I found my angry text. I didn't remember texting him at all. I didn't even remember being mad at him.

And Cris had never asked me that question before. I made everything up.

Anyway, fatigue is dangerous. Don't drive, fly, swim, talk to Lady GaGa, or attempt to be attractive while tired because none of those things have ever worked for me. Next time you want to spy on someone, make sure you don't have any sleep-drugged friends near you. Next time you gossip, make sure you're talking to someone conscious. And next time you take a nap, make sure your parents text you because I'm sure your subconscious will love it. Now go get some sleep.

I also bought these socks while I was in Orlando. This is the only good thing that has ever come from being tired.

~Not-Cris

Vomit Magnet

Everybody loves throw up. Throwing up, getting thrown up on, and seeing someone throw up on someone else's pet are all fun throw-up-related activities. But what's even more fun is throwing up on my friend Katie. When I ask people on the street what their favorite vomitivity (activity including vomit) is, they always say "I don't know why, but throwing up on Katie seems to be the most fun." We're not sure why, but everywhere Katie goes, someone throws up on her. Little children, acquaintances, and even Regan from the Exorcist. Vomitivities just seem to be no fun without Katie's presence. Therefore, I must recap a few throw up stories.

1) Once, in the middle of her chamber choir class, a girl stands up, frankly states that she is going to throw up, pulls her hair back, and vomits right into a trash can. She then continued singing, and Katie continued being a vomit magnet.

2) Another time, Cris's boyfriend at the time Jon threw up on Cris because he was sick to his stomach. Cris then said "I think I caught the Katie!"

3) During a morning announcements field trip to one of our local news stations, the news crew went to the mall to get lunch. As we all enjoyed our food (I had sushi, of course), Katie decided to go to the bathroom. Bad idea. For some reason, Katie hasn't developed a vomit-dar to detect throw up yet. Anyway, halfway to the bathroom she comes back to our table, sits down, and says "some little kid just threw up. Not in the trash can, but around it. I can't do it."

4) In her Spanish class, a student stood up in the middle of class and threw up. However, this was not your conventional vomitivity. This person managed to sneeze and throw up, projecting it across the room. When I looked up "projectile vomit" in the dictionary, the first definition was "n. the action taken by the student in Katie's Spanish class." After this happened, Katie's Spanish teacher exclaimed "¡Esta en el cielo!" For those of you who are not well-versed in Spanish vocabulary, that means "it's on the cieling!"

So the next time you think you're going to throw up, seek out Katie and aim for her. You won't regret it. Now every time my cat throws up, I have to do a search of my house to make sure Katie isn't lurking in any corners.

~Not-Cris

How to Be as Attractive as Cris and Matt

1) Eat lollipops and drool all over your history book.

2) Be half Asian, extra points for tropical.

3) Be a hipster.

4) Suck the spit out of your reed.

5) Throw up on Katie Seymour.

6) Be post-throw up Katie Seymour.

7) Lose a bet and dress up as fairies.

8) Get a mohawk.

9) Have grown-up braces.

10) Be a member of math club.

11) Eat three bowls of macaroni everyday, preferably challenging mac.

12) Click your tongue a lot.

13) Be photogenic in all candid photos.

14) Be Rusty from The Vacation.

15) Be Lady GaGa.

16) Walk loudly with your toes pointed inward.

17) Scream everything you say.

18) Have sex with strangers.

19) Wear bunny costumes.

20) Be a girl with a mustache (aka Katie Seymour)

21) Date an ugly person.

22) Breathe only through your mouth.

23) Be friends with Kara Molesworth and learn her facial expressions.

24) Be popular.

25) Feel your teeth while talking to someone and looking into their eyes.

26) Bathe with the pigs.

27) Sing about Iceland.

28) Use "snarf" in everyday conversation.

29) Talk for five minutes without taking any breaths.

30) Do yoga naked in public places.

31) Have chronic diarrhea.

32) Eat excess amounts of cheese curls without licking your fingers and be OCD about it.

33) Eat a spoonful of cinnamon.

34) Fall down the same hill three times in the snow.

35) Keep chasing pavements.

36) Be a diva.

37) Do body rolls.

38) Wear tight pants.

39) End all -ing verbs with -een. As in, "she went shopeen."

40) Sing along at live musical productions.

41) Have as many chins as Bridget Nolan. The number fluctuates.

42) Slam your head into a water fountain.

43) Stalk small children.

44) Carry around a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign at all times.

45) Have eleven cats.

46) Speak Spanish only to people who speak English and say you don't speak Spanish.

47) Make up your own language.

48) Break your own arms and maybe someone else's.

49) Wear a homecoming dress made of hardened ketchup.

50) Eat Spongebob's sundaes.

And voila.

~Swan Jr. and Bjork

The Misadventures of Yolanda Cool and Cathy Starr

Yolanda. Cathy. Both obviously very attractive women. And with Cathy's last name being "Starr" there's no way she doesn't do porn. I'm actually pretty sure it's illegal for her not to do porn. Yeah, I think it's like, if you have one "r," then you don't have to, but if you have two then once you're 18, your career is decided for you. A group of protesters and I are trying to get that changed. You're invited to the march this Saturday. It's at the white house. But that's besides the point.

Cathy and Yolanda are actually guys. More specifically, Yolanda is Matt, and Cathy is me (and no, I'm not in porn, so stop trying to google me.) And it's stories like this that make me think our lives should be written in sitcom form. How did this come about? Well, what would you say if you saw two guys dressed up as fairies?

That probably gave it away since most people who would read this are people we know, and most people we know know that we lost the wager of a lifetime last year for marching band and had to dress up as fairies. But did you know our names?! I bet you didn't. Even though we wore nametags.

So let's discuss the origin of our names. Yolanda. In Greece and Spain, it means "violet flower." But I just googled that. Yolanda Cool is actually a Russian spy. We made her up. Matt and I used to visit the middle school after class let out to tutor small children in how not to suck at playing their instruments, so they could make it into all-county band. Every day we tutored, we had to get nametags. One day, Matt just wrote Yolanda Cool on his. No one said anything. But Yolanda became a figurehead in our lives. And she taught us so much about how we think things are funny when they're most likely not because we're the only ones laughing. If she were real, I would marry her, but then she'd have to kill me. But now she is real, and I would never want her at all because she's Matt's female persona and I infinitely hate him.

But Cathy. That's a special name. Her profession: quite obvious. Her stigma: alluring. And her beauty: surpassing even Aphrodite's. The name makes the woman. And how did we come up with it? I wanted to draw a star, so her name had to be "Starr." And then we just added "Cathy" before it to make her full name "Cathy Starr." The sad thing is, we probably spent more time coming up with that name than doing whatever we were supposed to be doing as drum majors. I don't even know what we were supposed to be doing. Like seriously... marching band? What's that? I don't know. How do you marching band?

But yeah, dressing up as fairies was interesting. A black guy asked me for my number, so... clearly, I was lookin' pretty hot that day. It was also raining, and Cathy Starr love love love love LOVES to get wet.



This is the only picture of either of us that I could find. This is Yolanda Cool. You can tell she's a spy from her mysterious sunglasses. She should probably get new ones that don't make her look like a spy.

I think my favorite part about dressing up as a fairy is that I wasn't out at the time. That definitely put a spin on things. No, I didn't enjoy it. Okay, a little. But because I like to be funny, not because I'm gay! Ya judgmental bastard.

One more thing, I realized in the last post, I said I am "not yet a woman." I meant that to reference the Brittany Spears song. I'm not getting a sex change.

~Not-Matt

You don't even know us

I’m Cris, and I am not:

1. Chinese.

2. An alcoholic

3. A ghost

4. Matt White

5. Straight

6. In it to win it. I lied. I am

7. A liar all the time

8. Hideously ugly

9. The son of anyone who’s NOT Miss Swan

10. Passing up a chance to throw up on Katie Seymour

11. Your friend

12. Currently choking

13. A believer in unicorns

14. Closed-minded

15. A girl

16. Yet a woman

17. Showing you my teeth.

18. A professional burglar

19. Fat.

I'm Matt and I am not:

1) A girl

2) A dolphin

3) Photogenic

4) Coulrophobic

5) Norwegian

6) A squib

7) One of those things that you see in a store and think you want.

8) Cris Garrish

9) A caliph

10) Good at speaking French

11) A popsicle

12) Kidding

13) Throwing up currently. Not even on Katie Seymour

14) Ambidextrous

15) Covered in anything of or pertaining to horse radish

16) From Wisconsin

17) Able to spell that volcano that erupted in Iceland

18) Able to cope with not being Kristen Wiig

19) Lady GaGa. No matter how hard I try.

-Swan Jr. and Bjork