The Misadventures of Yolanda Cool and Cathy Starr

Yolanda. Cathy. Both obviously very attractive women. And with Cathy's last name being "Starr" there's no way she doesn't do porn. I'm actually pretty sure it's illegal for her not to do porn. Yeah, I think it's like, if you have one "r," then you don't have to, but if you have two then once you're 18, your career is decided for you. A group of protesters and I are trying to get that changed. You're invited to the march this Saturday. It's at the white house. But that's besides the point.

Cathy and Yolanda are actually guys. More specifically, Yolanda is Matt, and Cathy is me (and no, I'm not in porn, so stop trying to google me.) And it's stories like this that make me think our lives should be written in sitcom form. How did this come about? Well, what would you say if you saw two guys dressed up as fairies?

That probably gave it away since most people who would read this are people we know, and most people we know know that we lost the wager of a lifetime last year for marching band and had to dress up as fairies. But did you know our names?! I bet you didn't. Even though we wore nametags.

So let's discuss the origin of our names. Yolanda. In Greece and Spain, it means "violet flower." But I just googled that. Yolanda Cool is actually a Russian spy. We made her up. Matt and I used to visit the middle school after class let out to tutor small children in how not to suck at playing their instruments, so they could make it into all-county band. Every day we tutored, we had to get nametags. One day, Matt just wrote Yolanda Cool on his. No one said anything. But Yolanda became a figurehead in our lives. And she taught us so much about how we think things are funny when they're most likely not because we're the only ones laughing. If she were real, I would marry her, but then she'd have to kill me. But now she is real, and I would never want her at all because she's Matt's female persona and I infinitely hate him.

But Cathy. That's a special name. Her profession: quite obvious. Her stigma: alluring. And her beauty: surpassing even Aphrodite's. The name makes the woman. And how did we come up with it? I wanted to draw a star, so her name had to be "Starr." And then we just added "Cathy" before it to make her full name "Cathy Starr." The sad thing is, we probably spent more time coming up with that name than doing whatever we were supposed to be doing as drum majors. I don't even know what we were supposed to be doing. Like seriously... marching band? What's that? I don't know. How do you marching band?

But yeah, dressing up as fairies was interesting. A black guy asked me for my number, so... clearly, I was lookin' pretty hot that day. It was also raining, and Cathy Starr love love love love LOVES to get wet.



This is the only picture of either of us that I could find. This is Yolanda Cool. You can tell she's a spy from her mysterious sunglasses. She should probably get new ones that don't make her look like a spy.

I think my favorite part about dressing up as a fairy is that I wasn't out at the time. That definitely put a spin on things. No, I didn't enjoy it. Okay, a little. But because I like to be funny, not because I'm gay! Ya judgmental bastard.

One more thing, I realized in the last post, I said I am "not yet a woman." I meant that to reference the Brittany Spears song. I'm not getting a sex change.

~Not-Matt