One More Thing About iCarly

I was watching it today, and in this episode, Spencer ended up dressing like an old woman to trick Neville into signing some document or something or other. Since Spencer is dressed as an old woman, some old guy tries to pick him up. It was really creepy. And he was persistent. Eventually, Spencer took off the wig at the old man, and the old guy runs away screaming "security!"

...? What the hell!?
As a member of the LGBT community, I was incredibly offended. And if I wasn't already hurt enough, the guy comes back with securtiy, screams "That's him! That's the man-lady!" And then they actually chase him! I can't believe they actually did that. On Nickelodeon. I'm never watching iCarly again. It's complete smut.


Don't worry, I'm not actually offended. But I was surprised it happened. But yeah, not offended haha In fact, I'm still watching iCarly right now.

~Not-Matt

Best Day Ever

So my friend Bridget and I frequently use the term "best day ever" for any fun thing that happens in a day. We could get an A on a test and say "best day ever!" So obviously it's lost its meaning. Like if you date someone who says "I love you" every hour, it really loses its effect, so of course you break up with them. But anyway, Bridget and I did have the best day ever the other day, and to make sure it actually has meaning, I'm going to tell you all about it (like...I'm going to tell you everything about it, not I'm going to tell y'all about it because I really don't care about you. Just kidding I love you. All of you. Every hour. Break up with me. What? Can I just tell you now?).

1) Bridget and I are going to summer school health right now so we don't have to take it during school (we're really cool; have I mentioned that?) and we had a relationship/sex talk. This was the start to our best day ever. During the talk, the speaker said "usually teens are in very physical relationships, and they lack the mental and emotional aspect of dating. Good relationships mean that you can talk about the cosmos and space and not get bored of each other." Thus, Bridget and I discovered that we're actually in love because a couple of weeks ago, we watched "Through the Wormhole" with Morgan Freeman, and then discussed black holes for a really long time. With her dad. Extra non-physicality points there. I'm getting bored of writing this without eating food so I'm going to go get a Yo-crunch.

2) It's vanilla with m&ms.

3) Bridget and I decided that we were craving Chipotle like Mexico rejoice, so she took me to my house first to get money. However, our AP exam scores came in. So after discovering that I not only got a 4 on US History and 5s on Calculus and English, but also a 3 on my Spanish exam, we decided to go to Bridget's house to get her scores, too. She also got a 4 on US History and 5s on Calc, English, and Studio Art. So, we were really proud of ourselves, and this is when we exclaimed "best day ever!" Little did we know, this was the best day ever, and we were to have more fun later.

4) So we went to Chipotle and discovered that Chipotle now has Calories on their menus! They didn't glue actual Calories to the menu because that's physically illegal, you know, 'cause they're energy; they wrote how many Calories each food had. Our burrito bowls were only around 700 Calories, and as bad as that sounds, Bridget and I tend to gravitate towards meals that rank in the big calories, Michael Phelps style. So, it was again the best day ever. Also, we found Cris's doppelganger.

5) After eating Chipotle, we made the spontaneous decision to go to the mall, where we secretly knew we were going to get cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. However, other great things occurred in the mall. First, we ended up discovering a new store in the mall that was like Forever 21. And as excited as I was about it, you know, because I have every piece of clothing from Forever 21 and I heart it with a pa$$sion, Bridget was even more excited. And then we were approached by kids from California (unfortunately not Katy Perry) and were asked where we got our Vans. We weren't even wearing vans though, so apparently Bridget and I looked like the Vans variety. Too hipster.

6) This portion of our day needs a number all to itself. We went to the Cheesecake Factory. First, we discovered that July 30th is National Cheesecake Day, so we can get cheesecake for half price. I put the event in my phone immediately and texted my friends. Then, we got their Oreo Cheesecake; good decision made by us. 10 points to Gryffindor. We immediately bolted to the food court to eat it (we contemplated eating on a bench because we really wanted that cheesecake ASAP). It was delicious, and it was more suited for our Michael Phelps diets.

7) Also, as we were entering the mall, we were listening to Lady GaGa, which is automatically the pseudo-best day ever. But when we got back in the car, Bad Romance immediately came on, and so did we. And later, we put on the radio, and Love the Way You Lie came on, we did again, and then Bulletproof came on, and I couldn't handle it, so I jumped out of the car, got ran over, then came back to life, and it was again the best day ever. Just kidding that didn't happen. I know I had you fooled.

8) I also took a four-hour nap when I got home.

So Bridget and I discovered that we loved each other, did exceptionally well on our AP exams, found a new Forever 21-like store, went to Chipotle, found Cris's doppelganger, got Cheesecake, listened to La Roux, Eminem ft. Rihanna, and Lady GaGa, looked like the Vans variety, and got 10 points for Gryffindor all in the same day. Therefore, next time we say "best day ever," we will forever remember this day, which really was the best day ever.

This was apparently our other best day ever. The shirt I'm wearing in this picture was actually the one I was wearing in the mall. I can see why I looked like the Vans variety.

~Not-Cris

Yes, This is Anti-iCarly Propaganda

I'm gonna start this by saying I just posted a facebook status about this the other day. Yeah. That means this is legit.

I was watching iCarly today, and I heard laughter. But I realized that was not a live studio audience. Sometime in the 90s, they stopped having live studio audiences for sitcoms, so the producers recorded the studio laughter to reproduce it when their work is displayed on your television screen without using a real audience.

Like how weird is that. You don't know who those people are! They could be anybody! One person even pointed out on my status (I know I'm really cool for making a thousand facebook references per minute) that most of those people are probably dead. YOU'RE LISTENING TO DEAD PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN YOU WATCH ICARLY! Well, probably. You don't know for sure. But it's always a possibility. Which is creepy enough for me.

But really, who are they? You could be listening to like your long-lost cousin or something. Or a serial rapist. Or someone famous. Or maybe even the ghost that's haunting your attic.

It's also really conceited of them to add it in. It's like laughing at your own joke when nobody else laughs. 'Cause when I watch tv alone, I'm normally not cracking up like that recorded studio audience is. They laugh at EVERYTHING. Like "I'm gonna go to the grocery store. We need food, but I don't know if we have enough money to buy everything we want." And that recorded studio audience FLIPS out, and I just sit there and try to figure out what I missed 'cause that wasn't funny.

In conclusion, don't make sitcoms. It'll make you look like a creep and a freakin' jerk.

~Not-Matt

Hey, I Got a Question

Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?

No matter how much you deny it, indie hipster kids with polaroid cameras and fake plastic glasses, you have all listened to mainstream pop and R&B music. And almost all of you like it; I don't care what you say. I severely doubt that anyone can resist the bassy feel of "OMG" by Usher or the catchy themes in Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance". You all secretly sing along to yourself when you hear these songs, and I could find them all in your youtube search history. Don't lie like Shakira's hips (get it? ha laugh thanks). It's a guilty pleasure; I make fun of rap music, but "Airplanes" by B.O.B just gets me every time. Here are some songs that are the bassis of guilty pleasure from even those hipster jorts-wearing pot-smoking indie kids (see what I did there? I turned basis into bassis because it's like bass in a song. Bass is the opposite of treble, and its widespread use in rap and R&B make them so catchy and so that's why I made that joke ha get it laugh thanks)

1) "OMG" - Usher ft. Will.I.Am - This song is just too much for me. Seriously, every time I hear it I just sing along even if I forget it. Even if I'm jammin' out to some Ben Folds or Regina Spektor, I can't help but sing to this song. One time, my friend Rachel and I got in the car, and I said "turn on the radio. I just wanna listen to OMG." Now apparently OMG and I have a special connection because as soon as she turned the radio on, the song had started. It wasn't in the middle with the crowd singing the "oh"s, and it was not at the end where I get really sad 'cause the song is about to end. It was at the beginning. So, I sang it. All of it. It was a fun time.

2) "Airplanes" - B.O.B - This song basically wins the facebook status award (you know, the one they give out at the...Grammy's...all the time). Hands down. I do not know how many times I saw "could we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?" on people's statuses, or how many times I saw the curt "I could really use a wish right now" or both together. It was maddening because I hadn't even heard the song yet. I refused in my little anti-mainstream corner and kept listening to Jaymay and Death Cab. But, alas, I heard the song, and now even I can't help but sing along. It will, however, NEVER be my status. You can't make me. I might do it just to be funny ha laugh thanks.

3) "Sexy Back" - Justin Timberlake - "He's so metro" says everyone ever, but I just don't care. This song is so catchy that it just makes me go ahead and get on with it because there's VIP and drinks on him and he wants to see what I'm twerkin' with. I don't know why he wants to see what I'm twerkin' with, because I'm a guy, but I don't question it because that's just rude. This song is too good to question. I think I'm gonna listen to it while I finish this post.

4) Any Lady GaGa song ever - Okay so even as I attempt to listen to obscure bands, I really do have a Lady GaGa obsession in case you haven't noticed. She's a genius, she's catchy, and she's relevant. Always. I've always known there was a monster in my bed; she was just the only person brave enough to say it. Lady GaGa has so many hit songs that every song basically just waited in line to be the super hit popular mainstream one. Last year, it was "Just Dance" and then "Poker Face." I didn't even know who Lady GaGa was yet (because I apparently hadn't lived) but I knew the words to these songs. Then there was "Love Game" and "Paparazzi" and everybody followed Lady GaGa until she loved them. Then her next album came out and everybody was singing my favorite "Bad Romance." Then "Telephone" became ultra-popular as everyone told their friends to stop calling 'cause they didn't want to talk anymore. But something strange is happening now. "Alejandro," which was not even close to being popular before, is now a huge hit and everybody is singing that song! People have somewhat forgotten about the others because Alejandro is just so catchy. I don't know what's going on, but I like it. Lady GaGa will take over the world and you will like it.

5) "Bulletproof" - La Roux - Gosh. This song. This is not even from a mainstream artist and it's popular. Every time this song comes on the radio or my iTunes, I'm telling everyone I'll be bulletproof for days. No lie. Last week, Cris and I told everyone we saw for an entire day that we were bulletproof. It's just so catchy and electronic. I'm listening to it now, in fact, 'cause I already played "Sexy Back" twice.

6) "Your Love Is My Drug" - Ke$ha - First, let me start off by telling you something about Ke$ha that my friend Bridget read on Pandora Radio. Ke$ha was accepted to Columbia University as a Psychology major and she got an almost perfect score on the SATs (1560/1600 if I'm not mistaken). Now this means Ke$ha and I are officially twins because even though I didn't do that well on my SATs, I still want to go to Columbia University for Psychology. It's no wonder I think "Your Love Is My Drug" is so catchy. I mean, eventually Tik Tok lost its appeal, even though I occasionally wake up and think about how I feel like P-Diddy, but this song is just too much. I often go around saying to people "Hey, I got a question" just to see if I can get them to say "what?" and manage to keep a straight face long enough to ask if they want to have a slumber party in my basement.

7) "Love the Way You Lie" - Eminem ft. Rihanna - I hadn't heard this song until last Thursday. However, it is still stuck in my head. I listen to it all the time because it's just so good. I didn't really like Rihanna before, but now that I'm always singing her part we seem to have a special connection. I'm not a rude boy and I don't like umbrellas, but I do love the way people lie, and this song is just too great. If you haven't heard it yet, I suggest you do so 'cause you're missing out.

The next time you turn on the radio and hear one of these songs, I'm not sure if you should get excited or angry about the fact that you will be singing it for days to come. You'll want someone's lovin' and you'll want their revenge, and you'll also need a wish at the time.

Now please enjoy this picture of an actual plane that is not a shooting star. There are cute little pencil-kids in it too which totally beats a shooting star anyway. One of them even has three fingers. So cute. Kay? Kay? Gosh they're so pencil.

~Not-Cris

Do the "Chocolate" Thing!

Matt and I have been feeling real reminiscent lately. In fact, Matt even posted about the... uh... inventions... of the 90s. But I think we all remember the good stuff too. Mostly, Nickelodeon cartoons. Remember when those were good? Now, Nickelodeon has about... iCarly, and that's it. And iCarly isn't even a cartoon. AND there's that Gibby kid always takin' his shirt off, and it honestly makes me incredibly uncomfortable. On a side note, I played the "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader: Home Edition" with a few friends, like, last week-ish or so, and Gibby is one of the students of the class you're allowed to choose. His name is Noah. My team chose him, and we lost. I have very strong biases against him after that. So actually, Nickelodeon's got nothin'.


But they used to. They used to have real kick-ass shows like "Hey Arnold!" and "Doug" and "Rugrats" and "Ren and Stimpy" and "Spongebob" back when it was actually good! Oh, Spongebob. It's a real cornerstone of my life. It's by far the most quoted show among everyone I know. Kara and I have actually been approached by people we barely know with requests to "do the 'chocolate' thing." I think doing that scene so much has actually damaged my voice a little bit. We really like to quote Patrick though. We love Patrick. And when we remember a Patrick quote that hasn't been said in awhile, everyone dies. At the first All-County Jazz rehearsal, we actually had a conversation about Spongebob with the rehearsal director, and Matt said "Hahaha. It's a giraffe," and I lost it. I think I was the only one though.... I'm so alone...

"Doug" was a really well-put-together show. There's so much to remember about it. And if you remember your "Doug" trivia, I commend you, and you would very much enjoy this video.




I almost wish they would actually make that movie. Except they would definitely need to get a new Patti. She wasn't very Patti.

And everyone had better remember "Kablaam!" That show was so freakin' great. "Action League Now" was my favorite segment. And no, it wasn't because of the Flesh who was super strong, and super naked. Life with Loopy was pretty good too, and so was Prometheus and Bob. That alien and that caveman really touched my heart. Bob was always ruining all of Prometheus's plans. He basically saved the world.

I think more than anything though, I just wish people still woogied with me, or at least did the silly fist-thumbs-up thing that Gerald and Arnold did, and I know that it probably won't ever come back. But can't I dream?

~Not-Matt

Urgent News

This just in. We both got a text from Katie saying:

"So I was playing tennis and I was about to serve and this bird swoops down and violently throws up right in front of me. This curse affects animals too?!"

Yes, Katie. It does.

~Swan Jr. & Bjork

Wanna Buy a Yellow Umbrella?

Fundraisers all around the world help different people, organizations, and institutions to gain the money they need to succeed or even live. Things like girl scout cookies, candy bars, and carwashes are the paradigms of American fundraising. But there's something missing.... What happened to all the bad fundraising ideas? Well we're going to tell you about a few of them. Some of them have happened and some of them haven't, but are bound to eventually.

1) Umbrellas. First, no one really even uses umbrellas when it rains. Second, it doesn't even rain often enough for it to matter. Maybe I would buy one umbrella in my lifetime and that's really all. Not 150 umbrellas. In bulk. For the Class of 2011. I mean, that didn't happen or anything, but it gets kind of sad when the school librarian has bought about 20 of them and we still have 120 left. They're yellow. The only thing I use less than umbrellas are things that are yellow, so this is just all wrong. I really am curious as to whether or not we'll ever manage to sell all of our umbrellas. Let's hope it rains at prom or something.

2) When searching bad fundraising ideas on the internet, I found one about a cookie drive at a local diabetes clinic. I personally think this awkward match would work really well. And by that, I mean it wouldn't. People would die.

3) Screaming. This is where Iceland gets most of its revenue, according to Bjork. Dragons and fishing are other main sources of Iceland's revenue. I mean, we could always have a screaming dragon contest, in which the dragons fish while screaming. But really, this would be a horrible idea, and it should never be done. If you were thinking of trying it, try it, because I'd like to see you find any dragons in the first place.

4) You could always try selling myspace pictures of people. Just go up, tell them to hold the camera, take a picture of themselves, and give you the camera so you can print it. Then frame it and make them pay for it. I'm sure everybody would totally go for this, especially in people's rooms, where most myspace pictures are taken.

5) A Furby fundraiser. Just don't do it.

6) You walk into a room and you spot a copier. It really doesn't matter where this room is because you immediately forget and think "I'm going to make a butt print." So, you sit on the copier, press copy, and there is a print of your butt (or for me, your lack thereof). However, taking these prints and selling them on the streets like Johnny Bravo is really not a good idea. Especially if you're like me because you would be selling blank pieces of paper.

7) Chocolate bars. Specifically, chocolate bars in chocolate bar bags. Even more specifically, chocolate bars in chocolate bar bags carried by chocolate bar bag carrying bags. If you ever think even for a moment to pull a Spongebob and Patrick and attempt to sell chocolate bars, think again. You will most likely start selling bags to carry them, bags to carry the bags, and bags to carry the carrying bags, and so on. Then you'll be constantly unzipping your bags until you find, after thirty tries, that one chocolate bar at the bottom. As satisfying as that may feel, it's definitely not worth your time or anyone's money.

Breaking traditions is sometimes beneficial and individualistic, but not always when it comes to fundraising. Fundraising is not an individual thing, so don't sell butt prints, don't sell cookies by a diabetes clinic, and don't sell chocolate bar bag carrying bags. However, a throw-up booth featuring Katie might be a good idea. That's not breaking any tradition.

NO.

~Swan Jr. and Bjork